I'm back to counting calories via fitday.com (very handy). I've gained about 8-10 pounds since my surgery - a product of being sedentery and not eating well. Working out still zaps me, so I'm resorting to really watching my food intake.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Into the Groove.
I'm back at work full time.
I'm back to counting calories via fitday.com (very handy). I've gained about 8-10 pounds since my surgery - a product of being sedentery and not eating well. Working out still zaps me, so I'm resorting to really watching my food intake.
I'm back to counting calories via fitday.com (very handy). I've gained about 8-10 pounds since my surgery - a product of being sedentery and not eating well. Working out still zaps me, so I'm resorting to really watching my food intake.
Friday, September 2, 2011
A Simple Nihilist
I think this is the best way to describe myself (this week, haha).
You see, Nietzsche came along and decided to put a whole philosophical structure surrounding Nihilsm. He spoke about creating the "Overman", or "The Übermensch". While I can appreciate his lofty goals and certainly find his writings to be a good read, I don't buy into it 100%. So what do I believe, or not believe in this case?
Organized Religion - at its base, I truly believe that religion could be a good thing. It seems that there is a proper moral code in most religious writings. I was raised in a tight Christian family, and loved my upbringing. I just could never buy into religion. I'd have my moments, and then slowly slip back into my unbelief. Where organized religion can get scary is when people start killing in the name of their God. This brings me to my next point.
Atheism - I am fairly close to being an Atheist. However, I just cannot be 100% sure that there is not some sort of God. Even if you go back as far as "The Big Bang", it seems that matter had to of come from somewhere. So while I don't partake in any organized religion, I cannot discount the possibility of some sort of God, though I don't completely but into it, either.
I have quite a few friends that are Athiests, and have seen disturbing behaviour. Some seem to think that the abolishment of religion would lead to a more peaceful world. Let me start with the thought of "abolishment". This is the type of rhetoric that frightens me. This is no different then a religious person thinking the abolishment of another religion would make the world a better place. I don't believe it's a healthy thought process. I believe the fact is the human race will find something to fight about. If not religion, something else will divide the people. Government and money come to the forefront of my mind. No, I don't think that the abolishment of any religion is the answer. It's simply tolerance. I have many friends that are Christian, a couple that are Muslim, and the aforementioned Athiest friends. Give each other the respect for their beliefs. They probably believe what they do because it comforts them. That includes you, Athiests! Sure, we can have fun at each other's expense...let's laugh at our differences, sure. But nobody should attack one another for their beliefs.
As for me, I fit into none of those categories. I simply don't believe any of them. I respect all of them as an entity - it's the people of the entities that I may lose respect for through their actions. The following quote best describes me:
"You were not there for the beginning. You will not be there for the end. Your knowledge of what is going on can only be superficial and relative"
— William S. Burroughs
But I don't totally believe it.
You see, Nietzsche came along and decided to put a whole philosophical structure surrounding Nihilsm. He spoke about creating the "Overman", or "The Übermensch". While I can appreciate his lofty goals and certainly find his writings to be a good read, I don't buy into it 100%. So what do I believe, or not believe in this case?
Organized Religion - at its base, I truly believe that religion could be a good thing. It seems that there is a proper moral code in most religious writings. I was raised in a tight Christian family, and loved my upbringing. I just could never buy into religion. I'd have my moments, and then slowly slip back into my unbelief. Where organized religion can get scary is when people start killing in the name of their God. This brings me to my next point.
Atheism - I am fairly close to being an Atheist. However, I just cannot be 100% sure that there is not some sort of God. Even if you go back as far as "The Big Bang", it seems that matter had to of come from somewhere. So while I don't partake in any organized religion, I cannot discount the possibility of some sort of God, though I don't completely but into it, either.
I have quite a few friends that are Athiests, and have seen disturbing behaviour. Some seem to think that the abolishment of religion would lead to a more peaceful world. Let me start with the thought of "abolishment". This is the type of rhetoric that frightens me. This is no different then a religious person thinking the abolishment of another religion would make the world a better place. I don't believe it's a healthy thought process. I believe the fact is the human race will find something to fight about. If not religion, something else will divide the people. Government and money come to the forefront of my mind. No, I don't think that the abolishment of any religion is the answer. It's simply tolerance. I have many friends that are Christian, a couple that are Muslim, and the aforementioned Athiest friends. Give each other the respect for their beliefs. They probably believe what they do because it comforts them. That includes you, Athiests! Sure, we can have fun at each other's expense...let's laugh at our differences, sure. But nobody should attack one another for their beliefs.
As for me, I fit into none of those categories. I simply don't believe any of them. I respect all of them as an entity - it's the people of the entities that I may lose respect for through their actions. The following quote best describes me:
"You were not there for the beginning. You will not be there for the end. Your knowledge of what is going on can only be superficial and relative"
— William S. Burroughs
But I don't totally believe it.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Listing My Listlessness.
I'm three days old back into my old routine. For the previous month, the routine was pretty much "take it easy". There has not been much to prepare for. One thing I've noticed that is probably quite humorous to an outsider is the confusion I go through when getting ready for work. There's a list of things I do. Eat. Shower. Iron (if applicable). Brush teeth. Shave. You get it...
The last three days I've found myself walking into a room and taking 10-15 seconds to remember why I went to that room. Or I will walk into the wrong room because I got distracted by something else, and forget what I was originally looking for. Now I know this happens to everybody, but it's been somewhat exccessive the last three days. I'm sure this will subside as I'm "exercising" my brain more each day, but it can be funny or sometimes frustrating. "Why the hell am I standing in the kitchen???"
On the positive front, our department did not get affected by these immanent "changes" that were coming down on the 1st of August. As it turns out, no one seems to still know what the hell the changes were. Why the scare tactics?
The last three days I've found myself walking into a room and taking 10-15 seconds to remember why I went to that room. Or I will walk into the wrong room because I got distracted by something else, and forget what I was originally looking for. Now I know this happens to everybody, but it's been somewhat exccessive the last three days. I'm sure this will subside as I'm "exercising" my brain more each day, but it can be funny or sometimes frustrating. "Why the hell am I standing in the kitchen???"
On the positive front, our department did not get affected by these immanent "changes" that were coming down on the 1st of August. As it turns out, no one seems to still know what the hell the changes were. Why the scare tactics?
Monday, August 22, 2011
One Month Later
(and one day).
Today - a new milestone. Back to work!
This comes with mixed emotions...while it's good to get back into a routine and see my work family, I didn't particularly miss working too much. But I knew this was coming, and to help ease back into things, I'm working 20 hours this week and 20 hours next week, THEN go back full time.
The last two weeks have been kind of a blur. Really the whole month seemed to have flown by. It's interesting because I think my patience was actually tested more the last two weeks. The first two weeks after the surgery you have the most severe side-effects, however you see more progress. It's much more defined. You notice it. I wouldn't say things have plateaued in the last two weeks, but progress has slowed down. This is not a complaint, it is simply important for me to recognize this.
I had another MRI 5 days ago for my post-op, and everything looks good. I was also medically cleared to start being more active - they limited me to lifting 10 pounds, and no bending over to keep blood from rushing to the head. This of course is all positive news.
Jackie and I celebrated her 30th birthday this last weekend by going to The Elm's Resort and Spa down by Kansas City. She loved it, and I liked it much more than I thought I would. We really had a great time and I came out much more rejuvenated than when I went in.
The first day of work was very uneventful. We had issues with HR still having me in "on leave" status, so I was unable to really do anything. I'm very happy that I got two weeks approved for part-time instead of one. It just helps with the transition. As I alluded to previously, it was great seeing most of my co-workers as well.
I've neglected this blog lately, but hope to be more active. I tend to stay more up to date when I get in a routine.
Today - a new milestone. Back to work!
This comes with mixed emotions...while it's good to get back into a routine and see my work family, I didn't particularly miss working too much. But I knew this was coming, and to help ease back into things, I'm working 20 hours this week and 20 hours next week, THEN go back full time.
The last two weeks have been kind of a blur. Really the whole month seemed to have flown by. It's interesting because I think my patience was actually tested more the last two weeks. The first two weeks after the surgery you have the most severe side-effects, however you see more progress. It's much more defined. You notice it. I wouldn't say things have plateaued in the last two weeks, but progress has slowed down. This is not a complaint, it is simply important for me to recognize this.
I had another MRI 5 days ago for my post-op, and everything looks good. I was also medically cleared to start being more active - they limited me to lifting 10 pounds, and no bending over to keep blood from rushing to the head. This of course is all positive news.
Jackie and I celebrated her 30th birthday this last weekend by going to The Elm's Resort and Spa down by Kansas City. She loved it, and I liked it much more than I thought I would. We really had a great time and I came out much more rejuvenated than when I went in.
The first day of work was very uneventful. We had issues with HR still having me in "on leave" status, so I was unable to really do anything. I'm very happy that I got two weeks approved for part-time instead of one. It just helps with the transition. As I alluded to previously, it was great seeing most of my co-workers as well.
I've neglected this blog lately, but hope to be more active. I tend to stay more up to date when I get in a routine.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
I Still Dream of Dad.
| ||||||
Three Weeks Later.
The recovery is still going well. I've been walking about a mile for the last few days. Walking inside is easy...still adjusting to open spaces.
I hate being single sided deaf. Music is my thing. I play music (just recreational), and listen to music every chance I get. It just doesn't sound the same. Not even close. No, I don't regret the surgery one bit as this is a repercussion I figured would happen. But it just doesn't sound the same. I can't hear in stereo anymore. People talk loud and slow as if I have a minuscule IQ. This is the only thing that's really gotten to me.
I hate being single sided deaf. Music is my thing. I play music (just recreational), and listen to music every chance I get. It just doesn't sound the same. Not even close. No, I don't regret the surgery one bit as this is a repercussion I figured would happen. But it just doesn't sound the same. I can't hear in stereo anymore. People talk loud and slow as if I have a minuscule IQ. This is the only thing that's really gotten to me.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Two Weeks Later
Things are continuing to progress. I'm still dizzy when walking, but I'm getting around quicker. In the house I'm just fine. It's only when I'm in more open spaces outside that can be a bit tricky.
I went out to eat for lunch a couple days ago. I noticed a couple of things. First, with me being single side deaf, it's hard to hear conversation in noisy places. Much more than it used to be, even with the limited hearing I had pre-surgery. Voices tend to get drowned out by background noise. Hopefully this will get better.
The second thing - my math is a bit rusty. When I received my ticket to pay for my meal, I stared at the dollar amounts, trying to figure out a tip. They didn't make sense like they used. 20% is my standard tip for decent service, and I could figure that up with not much more than a glance. This is something I"m confident that will come back.
As far as my attitude goes right now, it's hard to keep me from being excited and/or smiling. Now that this surgery is done with...things just keep improving. No more dreaded future date!
I went out to eat for lunch a couple days ago. I noticed a couple of things. First, with me being single side deaf, it's hard to hear conversation in noisy places. Much more than it used to be, even with the limited hearing I had pre-surgery. Voices tend to get drowned out by background noise. Hopefully this will get better.
The second thing - my math is a bit rusty. When I received my ticket to pay for my meal, I stared at the dollar amounts, trying to figure out a tip. They didn't make sense like they used. 20% is my standard tip for decent service, and I could figure that up with not much more than a glance. This is something I"m confident that will come back.
As far as my attitude goes right now, it's hard to keep me from being excited and/or smiling. Now that this surgery is done with...things just keep improving. No more dreaded future date!
Monday, August 1, 2011
Stitches Out!
Another step today - I got my stitches removed. I'm still pretty dizzy and stumbled around a little bit...but this is to be expected.
A crazy thing to think about: I may be in better shape 10 days after surgery than I have in a long time. About a year ago, I weighed in right around 300 pounds - 305 to be exact. Today I weighed in at 262 fully clothed. Also, my top blood pressure number a year ago was around 180. We were considering going on blood pressure medication. Now my top number is 120. 120 over 80 In fact, just a month ago, I was right around 150 over 80. This is pretty encouraging news...especially seeing how I've been pretty sedentary over the last couple of weeks.
A crazy thing to think about: I may be in better shape 10 days after surgery than I have in a long time. About a year ago, I weighed in right around 300 pounds - 305 to be exact. Today I weighed in at 262 fully clothed. Also, my top blood pressure number a year ago was around 180. We were considering going on blood pressure medication. Now my top number is 120. 120 over 80 In fact, just a month ago, I was right around 150 over 80. This is pretty encouraging news...especially seeing how I've been pretty sedentary over the last couple of weeks.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
One Week Later.
...and here I am back, typing away on my blog. On the other side.
I'm doing well. Very well. The following is my experience of the surgery, and aftermath.
I awoke around 3 am last Thursday (July 21st). We needed to be in Iowa City by 5:30, so we left Grinnell at 4:30 am. I slept a few hours, but not too much. The ride up to Iowa City was fairly quiet with myself, my wife, and mother. I checked in right at 5:30, and was called back within minutes to change into my gown. Jackie (wife) came back with me and we waited for about 30-45 minutes after I changed for a nurse to come in. She had a series of questions for me, and took my vitals. After this the anesthesiologist came in and put in my IV. I said my "I love you's" to my family, and headed down the hall with the anesthesiologist. At this point I started to get a little nervous, but everything was seeming somewhat surreal. I walked into my operating room to a staff of about 10 different doctors that began getting me into place. At this point, the anesthesiologist gave some of the "good stuff" for nerves...the last thing I remember was talking to one of the doctors or nurses about the good microbrews out there, and then I was out.
**********************************************************************
I awoke approximately 7 hours later to the doctors giving me the good news - they were able to extract the whole tumor. Unfortunately I did have to sacrifice my hearing on my right side, but I knew going in that this would probably happen.
The pain was not intolerable. I was just so...fatigued. The thing that hurt the most when I first woke up were actually my shoulders. Apparently it was because I was positioned for that 7 hours of surgery. This pain quickly subsided. It wasn't completely painless - it was kind of like having a migraine headache, but also the incision hurt a little bit. But again, it was tolerable. I had family come in and visit, and even though I was physically able to, I didn't say anything because it kind of hurt to talk.
The first four hours or so were not great fun. They tried to give me pain pills, but I wasn't able to hold them down and vomited. This hurt because of the pressure it put on my newly sewed up head, and the clean up was not fun either. However from this point on, things only got better. I tried the pain pills again probably about a few hours later, and they stayed down. Relief. I was in the ICU, so nurses come in every hour to take my vitals including my blood sugar...so it was tough to get any consistent sleep. Around 2 am, the nurses said they were going to move me to another ICU - they had to get someone in there that was in more serious condition, and I was the most stable. I had no problems with this - I was happy to give up my spot.
The night went by in somewhat of a haze. The dizziness and fatigue were pretty significant, BUT my nausea was gone. This was a huge win. Once my wife and mother showed up the next day, I was a new man. The nurse took the catheter out (which wasn't as bad as I had thought). I was talking just fine, without any additional pain. Later that day, I was moved to a regular room that I had to myself. Then, came another important milestone: my first post surgery meal! It had been almost 2 days since I had last eaten, and my stomach finally caught up with this. A lot of people have trouble tasting after surgery, but my taste was fine (thankfully). Friday I was able to sit up in the bed and actually stand up. I was a little surprised with how dizzy I actually was!
Saturday came, and I was rapidly improving. I was getting up to walk, and eating large amounts of food. The nursing staff was incredible. Not only were they accommodating, but they were there for optimism, and to really promote getting through this by utilizing activity. By the time Saturday night rolled around, they thought it was a possibility that I could leave the next day.
Sunday morning I wanted to make sure that I could go up and down a flight of stairs. This was the final test. Fortunately I came through with flying colors, and was headed back to Des Moines by noon. This week has been a delicate combination of rest and staying active enough to exercise my balance. Stairs aren't a problem at all. Today I walked the entire mall nearby without any issue. I did go home and crash on the couch for a couple hours afterwards, but I'm seeing progress!
This has been my experience thus far. I'm thankful for my family and friends that have made this experience so much easier!
I'm doing well. Very well. The following is my experience of the surgery, and aftermath.
I awoke around 3 am last Thursday (July 21st). We needed to be in Iowa City by 5:30, so we left Grinnell at 4:30 am. I slept a few hours, but not too much. The ride up to Iowa City was fairly quiet with myself, my wife, and mother. I checked in right at 5:30, and was called back within minutes to change into my gown. Jackie (wife) came back with me and we waited for about 30-45 minutes after I changed for a nurse to come in. She had a series of questions for me, and took my vitals. After this the anesthesiologist came in and put in my IV. I said my "I love you's" to my family, and headed down the hall with the anesthesiologist. At this point I started to get a little nervous, but everything was seeming somewhat surreal. I walked into my operating room to a staff of about 10 different doctors that began getting me into place. At this point, the anesthesiologist gave some of the "good stuff" for nerves...the last thing I remember was talking to one of the doctors or nurses about the good microbrews out there, and then I was out.
**********************************************************************
I awoke approximately 7 hours later to the doctors giving me the good news - they were able to extract the whole tumor. Unfortunately I did have to sacrifice my hearing on my right side, but I knew going in that this would probably happen.
The pain was not intolerable. I was just so...fatigued. The thing that hurt the most when I first woke up were actually my shoulders. Apparently it was because I was positioned for that 7 hours of surgery. This pain quickly subsided. It wasn't completely painless - it was kind of like having a migraine headache, but also the incision hurt a little bit. But again, it was tolerable. I had family come in and visit, and even though I was physically able to, I didn't say anything because it kind of hurt to talk.
The first four hours or so were not great fun. They tried to give me pain pills, but I wasn't able to hold them down and vomited. This hurt because of the pressure it put on my newly sewed up head, and the clean up was not fun either. However from this point on, things only got better. I tried the pain pills again probably about a few hours later, and they stayed down. Relief. I was in the ICU, so nurses come in every hour to take my vitals including my blood sugar...so it was tough to get any consistent sleep. Around 2 am, the nurses said they were going to move me to another ICU - they had to get someone in there that was in more serious condition, and I was the most stable. I had no problems with this - I was happy to give up my spot.
The night went by in somewhat of a haze. The dizziness and fatigue were pretty significant, BUT my nausea was gone. This was a huge win. Once my wife and mother showed up the next day, I was a new man. The nurse took the catheter out (which wasn't as bad as I had thought). I was talking just fine, without any additional pain. Later that day, I was moved to a regular room that I had to myself. Then, came another important milestone: my first post surgery meal! It had been almost 2 days since I had last eaten, and my stomach finally caught up with this. A lot of people have trouble tasting after surgery, but my taste was fine (thankfully). Friday I was able to sit up in the bed and actually stand up. I was a little surprised with how dizzy I actually was!
Saturday came, and I was rapidly improving. I was getting up to walk, and eating large amounts of food. The nursing staff was incredible. Not only were they accommodating, but they were there for optimism, and to really promote getting through this by utilizing activity. By the time Saturday night rolled around, they thought it was a possibility that I could leave the next day.
Sunday morning I wanted to make sure that I could go up and down a flight of stairs. This was the final test. Fortunately I came through with flying colors, and was headed back to Des Moines by noon. This week has been a delicate combination of rest and staying active enough to exercise my balance. Stairs aren't a problem at all. Today I walked the entire mall nearby without any issue. I did go home and crash on the couch for a couple hours afterwards, but I'm seeing progress!
This has been my experience thus far. I'm thankful for my family and friends that have made this experience so much easier!
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Hours
I think I've managed to 'cross the t's, and dot the i's'. I went into work today for a few hours, just to make sure I had everything wrapped up. I was surprised that I was a little sad to leave - not out of love for my cubicle job...more because I've kind of have my own family there. My department only has 7 of us, and most of us have been at the same position for 3+ years together.
After work, I harvested some of our beans in our vegetable garden (good turnout this year!), mowed the grass, and watered the grass/flowers/vegetable garden. The heat is simply sweltering.
12 hours from just about right now, my destination will be the University of Iowa Hospital. I have to be there at 5:30am, and surgery is 7:15am.
My nerves are only slightly rattled - only knowing that something potentially life altering is happening. For the most part, I just want to get this damn thing out of me and move on.
"You cannot appreciate your triumphs if you do not appreciate the hardships of battle." - Josh Coburn
After work, I harvested some of our beans in our vegetable garden (good turnout this year!), mowed the grass, and watered the grass/flowers/vegetable garden. The heat is simply sweltering.
12 hours from just about right now, my destination will be the University of Iowa Hospital. I have to be there at 5:30am, and surgery is 7:15am.
My nerves are only slightly rattled - only knowing that something potentially life altering is happening. For the most part, I just want to get this damn thing out of me and move on.
"You cannot appreciate your triumphs if you do not appreciate the hardships of battle." - Josh Coburn
Less than 48 Hours
I'm feeling fairly at peace. A little uneasy, a bit of nerves...but for the most part I'm pretty at ease. I don't know if I have denial still going on - the last week has been a complete blur. Jackie ran a half Ironman this last weekend. It was pretty incredible as well as motivating. We fled to Chicago Saturday, and got back on Monday.
I'll probably say a bit tomorrow. Since I won't have much for taste for a few weeks after my surgery, we treated ourselves to an excessive amount of sushi tonight. Delicious.
I also feel that with Jackie's Ironman - me supporting and cheering for her, and her reciprocating my support with her own for my surgery - has brought us closer than ever.
I'll probably say a bit tomorrow. Since I won't have much for taste for a few weeks after my surgery, we treated ourselves to an excessive amount of sushi tonight. Delicious.
I also feel that with Jackie's Ironman - me supporting and cheering for her, and her reciprocating my support with her own for my surgery - has brought us closer than ever.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
One Week
One week from today I will be under the knife. Hopefully they will be about wrapping up right now if everything goes well.
One week, and yet I really don't feel any additional anxiety. Sure, I feel little bit nervous. They're operating on my damn brain! But it's almost a relief that the day is finally arriving. I'm enjoying this last week, trying to laugh more, eat some of my favorite foods (apparently I will lose taste for about a month), and just laughing at the world in general.
I will be going to Racine, Wisconsin this weekend to watch my wife do a half Ironman, so this weekend will probably fly by quickly as well. There are two more things I'd like to do before my surgery.
I'd like to visit my grandmother. She's not doing too well, and I don't know how long it will before I would be able to visit her again. I'm overdue to visit her anyway.
I'd like to visit my father's grave. I failed to do so over Memorial Day. I'm not a religious person, so one may question what significance visiting a monument has to me. I still respect the dead, and especially the memories. I'm also seeking inspiration. My father, all 5'7 of him, was the toughest bastard I've ever met. A couple of the surgeries he had were near medieval torture. He would come out of surgery completely deformed, almost unrecognizable. Yet, he'd never complain. NEVER. He'd always try to be up and about before the nurses would recommend it. I want to visit my father's grave out of respect, and out of thirst of inspiration. I plan to be cracking jokes and flirting with the nurses within 24 hours, just like he did.
My spirits are good. I'm so lucky to have the support system that I do. The duality of my posts represent my inner conflicts, and the duality of my ownself. Though sometimes my posts seem negative or on the dark side, one thing never changes in positivity - my friends and family.
One week, and yet I really don't feel any additional anxiety. Sure, I feel little bit nervous. They're operating on my damn brain! But it's almost a relief that the day is finally arriving. I'm enjoying this last week, trying to laugh more, eat some of my favorite foods (apparently I will lose taste for about a month), and just laughing at the world in general.
I will be going to Racine, Wisconsin this weekend to watch my wife do a half Ironman, so this weekend will probably fly by quickly as well. There are two more things I'd like to do before my surgery.
I'd like to visit my grandmother. She's not doing too well, and I don't know how long it will before I would be able to visit her again. I'm overdue to visit her anyway.
I'd like to visit my father's grave. I failed to do so over Memorial Day. I'm not a religious person, so one may question what significance visiting a monument has to me. I still respect the dead, and especially the memories. I'm also seeking inspiration. My father, all 5'7 of him, was the toughest bastard I've ever met. A couple of the surgeries he had were near medieval torture. He would come out of surgery completely deformed, almost unrecognizable. Yet, he'd never complain. NEVER. He'd always try to be up and about before the nurses would recommend it. I want to visit my father's grave out of respect, and out of thirst of inspiration. I plan to be cracking jokes and flirting with the nurses within 24 hours, just like he did.
My spirits are good. I'm so lucky to have the support system that I do. The duality of my posts represent my inner conflicts, and the duality of my ownself. Though sometimes my posts seem negative or on the dark side, one thing never changes in positivity - my friends and family.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Go Away.
Periodic tableware
Psychotropic science fare
But who will save the sane?
Some beings just can't change
Now crawl on by
A fake tear in your eye
And think isn't he strange
Pseudogasmic chemistry
Necromorphic apathy
But who will save the sane?
Some beings just can't change
Now crawl on by
A fake tear in your eye
And think isn't he strange
Physical laws unapplied Hamper my quest
Unsurreal world of unfailed HIV tests
Der ubermensch warning of pi techno junkies - 3.141592653
Come on boy
Tell me
Tentative ambulance date bound for G ward
Bear trap psychiatrist bait chew my paw off
Unmercilessly we will take you away to slumber
But only if you can recite avogadro's number
Come on boy
Tell me
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Shut up, Title
From the panes a green mist swirls
Is it a shadow of reflection?
This apparition in moon beams bathed
A voice like wind through trees beckons.
Cool rain on hot summer stone
The odor fills my presence,
Of freshly dug grave and death and night
These things are her essence.
Nocturnal mistress, spirit lover,
your mouth of wine and woodsmoke taste
My goddess of the violet twilight
You are lust incarnate.
In the sweat of my bed
The eastern sky hints of dawning,
Alone and awake but exhausted I lie
Oh how I hate the morning.
Is it a shadow of reflection?
This apparition in moon beams bathed
A voice like wind through trees beckons.
Cool rain on hot summer stone
The odor fills my presence,
Of freshly dug grave and death and night
These things are her essence.
Nocturnal mistress, spirit lover,
your mouth of wine and woodsmoke taste
My goddess of the violet twilight
You are lust incarnate.
In the sweat of my bed
The eastern sky hints of dawning,
Alone and awake but exhausted I lie
Oh how I hate the morning.
It's Getting Real
I was watching T.V. and saw a preview for a movie that's coming out July 29th. My surgery is on the 21st. It's just right around the corner. I remember when I set the appoint how far out July 21st seemed. It's almost here, but I'm ready.
My pre-op meeting in Iowa City went really well. They thoroughly educate you to the point where there's some redundancy. But this is better than leaving out any information. I'm more confident now than ever that I'm in good hands.
My pre-op meeting in Iowa City went really well. They thoroughly educate you to the point where there's some redundancy. But this is better than leaving out any information. I'm more confident now than ever that I'm in good hands.
It is What it is.
This weekend was somewhat of my "last hoorah" before my surgery. Jackie is running her Ironman in Racine next weekend, so we will be busy with that.
And how did it go?
It was fun - we went camping and tubing. It's somewhat of an Apple River here in Iowa. I guess it was mixed. The camping was great, the tubing was fun. Our group entailed of several people - probably 8-10 people. As midnight(ish) hit, I had enough fun and sun and decided to retire for the night. Jackie stayed awake and kept the train going....not problem there. What I find out today is that while I'm sleeping, two separate people professed their love to her. One person - no big deal. He was just a guy from a neighboring campsite that was hanging out. The tough pill to swallow is that the other person is someone I considered a good friend - he's married himself to a beautiful woman and has kids. After professing his love, he went as far as sexually propositioning her. Thankfully my wife is fiercely loyal, turned him down and essentially said he should be ashamed of himself.
This all took place while I was incapacitated - or at least sleeping. My worry is the amount of times this will happen when I'm recovering from my surgery. I would hope that people would respect her and our situation, but I just don't have enough faith in humanity. People take advantage of situations. There are good people out there, but there's a lot of a-holes as well.
I truly trust my wife - so these advances don't worry me in regard to her infidelity. What bothers me is finding what I thought to be friends exhibiting this behavior. This is why I generally exhibit misanthrope. It seems good people are few and far in between. Everyone else get's by at other's expense.
And how did it go?
It was fun - we went camping and tubing. It's somewhat of an Apple River here in Iowa. I guess it was mixed. The camping was great, the tubing was fun. Our group entailed of several people - probably 8-10 people. As midnight(ish) hit, I had enough fun and sun and decided to retire for the night. Jackie stayed awake and kept the train going....not problem there. What I find out today is that while I'm sleeping, two separate people professed their love to her. One person - no big deal. He was just a guy from a neighboring campsite that was hanging out. The tough pill to swallow is that the other person is someone I considered a good friend - he's married himself to a beautiful woman and has kids. After professing his love, he went as far as sexually propositioning her. Thankfully my wife is fiercely loyal, turned him down and essentially said he should be ashamed of himself.
This all took place while I was incapacitated - or at least sleeping. My worry is the amount of times this will happen when I'm recovering from my surgery. I would hope that people would respect her and our situation, but I just don't have enough faith in humanity. People take advantage of situations. There are good people out there, but there's a lot of a-holes as well.
I truly trust my wife - so these advances don't worry me in regard to her infidelity. What bothers me is finding what I thought to be friends exhibiting this behavior. This is why I generally exhibit misanthrope. It seems good people are few and far in between. Everyone else get's by at other's expense.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Update
It's been a while since I've posted, but with good reason. My buddy came in town from San Francisco for a few nights - fantastic time. Immediately after he left, my wife and I headed down to Lake Ponderosa to spend some time in the sun with some great friends. The weekend didn't disappoint. I've spent the 4th of July on Ponderosa for about the last 20 years, and this goes up there as one of my favorite memories. There may be certain things in life that I'm pessimistic about, but my wealth of friends is not.
I also had my pre-op meeting today in Iowa City. It was a 4 hour ordeal, which wasn't surprising. In my previous posts I think I wavered a little bit about my decision - this has been concrete now. Most of the 4 hours went through expectations, education, and how to cope with post-op recovery. The more I talk with the staff, the more comforting it is. Everyone down from the nurses, MRI techs, to the anaesthiogolists specialize in acoustic neuromas. So I'm moving forward and not looking back.
I've also been overwhelmed by the concern and love my family members and friends. In one drunken night a week or so ago, this was a complaint. Well, I was in self-pity mode as the reality is I'm wealthy in friends and family. Have I said that before? : )
I hope to update this a bit more often, just some real busy times. As firm as I am in my decision, I'm human, and do feel nervous. This blog does help me deal with this anxiety. At this point, I don't really care if anyone reads it.
Good luck, and good night.
I also had my pre-op meeting today in Iowa City. It was a 4 hour ordeal, which wasn't surprising. In my previous posts I think I wavered a little bit about my decision - this has been concrete now. Most of the 4 hours went through expectations, education, and how to cope with post-op recovery. The more I talk with the staff, the more comforting it is. Everyone down from the nurses, MRI techs, to the anaesthiogolists specialize in acoustic neuromas. So I'm moving forward and not looking back.
I've also been overwhelmed by the concern and love my family members and friends. In one drunken night a week or so ago, this was a complaint. Well, I was in self-pity mode as the reality is I'm wealthy in friends and family. Have I said that before? : )
I hope to update this a bit more often, just some real busy times. As firm as I am in my decision, I'm human, and do feel nervous. This blog does help me deal with this anxiety. At this point, I don't really care if anyone reads it.
Good luck, and good night.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
'Merica!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Going down to the lake today.
*blah blah blah blah, clever comment, blah blah blah blah, observance....clever comment, blah blah blah blah*.
Going to the lake, having some beers, will be with friends.
I love my friends. Just about as much as I love my family. I am thankful for the incredible people in my life. As much as I think I could be a complete hermit, I'm so thankful for my loved ones.
*blah blah blah blah, clever comment, blah blah blah blah, observance....clever comment, blah blah blah blah*.
Going to the lake, having some beers, will be with friends.
I love my friends. Just about as much as I love my family. I am thankful for the incredible people in my life. As much as I think I could be a complete hermit, I'm so thankful for my loved ones.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Piling On
There's a lot of uncertainty in the air at work. For some strange reason, upper management decided to announce that we were going to have a "major announcement about restructuring" on August 1st. So essentially they announced that we were going to have an announcement. Supposedly this is also supposed to "calm down any rumors" that were afloat. This is utterly ridiculous. Our group had no idea that there were any rumors going around, and now there's nothing BUT rumors. My always reassuring boss is now saying to keep our fingers crossed.
I've always been optimistic on the job front. I always told myself that if something were to happen, I'd land on my feet. I'm in a volatile industry - it wouldn't be completely unexpected if we were laid off. The issue I have is the timing. My surgery is in July 21st, and I will be out probably at least a month...maybe as long as 3 months. I will be gone while this potential bomb is dropped. I can't really post out for another position. How can someone hire you when I'd have to be gone for at least the first month? My company tries to keep people within the company if possible when layoffs happen. I'm wondering how they can place me somewhere else when I'm not there.
This is an added element I wasn't expecting. However this certainly cements my surgery on the 21st. If I do get laid off, I need to ensure I have this covered. I believe this is a $250,000 surgery.
Hopefully all of this is just worry, and nothing comes to fruition.
I've always been optimistic on the job front. I always told myself that if something were to happen, I'd land on my feet. I'm in a volatile industry - it wouldn't be completely unexpected if we were laid off. The issue I have is the timing. My surgery is in July 21st, and I will be out probably at least a month...maybe as long as 3 months. I will be gone while this potential bomb is dropped. I can't really post out for another position. How can someone hire you when I'd have to be gone for at least the first month? My company tries to keep people within the company if possible when layoffs happen. I'm wondering how they can place me somewhere else when I'm not there.
This is an added element I wasn't expecting. However this certainly cements my surgery on the 21st. If I do get laid off, I need to ensure I have this covered. I believe this is a $250,000 surgery.
Hopefully all of this is just worry, and nothing comes to fruition.
Competent Communicator
Yesterday I finished my tenth speech, which gives me the title within Toastmasters of 'Competent Communicator'. It's been quite a journey. I look at the progress I've made since my first speech where I was almost too nervous to speak. Very rewarding. I get certification, so it will also hopefully be a nice little resume builder.
I've gotten in a few very productive workouts. I'm biking faster than I ever have...beating my personal best times by large margins.
My mind is still in a good place, but nights are still tough. I toss and turn typically for a good hour...just wondering what my life will be like post surgery. I think about the people that have said they lost their wives, jobs, family members because they are fatigued long term. Are they just self-loathing, or is it legit? I have my pre-op meeting in Iowa City in exactly one week. I want to ask my doctor what percentage of people have long term effects.
I have a buddy coming in from San Francisco tomorrow evening. Really looking forward to seeing him. He's one of the only people that understands my struggles with philosophy and religion...and has ended up being close to nihilism like myself.
I've gotten in a few very productive workouts. I'm biking faster than I ever have...beating my personal best times by large margins.
My mind is still in a good place, but nights are still tough. I toss and turn typically for a good hour...just wondering what my life will be like post surgery. I think about the people that have said they lost their wives, jobs, family members because they are fatigued long term. Are they just self-loathing, or is it legit? I have my pre-op meeting in Iowa City in exactly one week. I want to ask my doctor what percentage of people have long term effects.
I have a buddy coming in from San Francisco tomorrow evening. Really looking forward to seeing him. He's one of the only people that understands my struggles with philosophy and religion...and has ended up being close to nihilism like myself.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Deletion
Below is why I shouldn't drink and blog. I was very tempted to come here and delete the post, but it's all part of the journey...
I'm just about finished writing my speech for tomorrow. It's about the art used on CD covers and labels of beer, and how it can affect our decision making. I'm supposed to use visual aids and was drawing a blank...then I went downstairs to a storage bin that was full of misc debris. There I found a few empty bottles of beer that I held on to specifically because of the art, and also some old CD cases. I'm hoping it will be a fun speech - last week's was serious.
I'm just about finished writing my speech for tomorrow. It's about the art used on CD covers and labels of beer, and how it can affect our decision making. I'm supposed to use visual aids and was drawing a blank...then I went downstairs to a storage bin that was full of misc debris. There I found a few empty bottles of beer that I held on to specifically because of the art, and also some old CD cases. I'm hoping it will be a fun speech - last week's was serious.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Please Don't Take My Sunshine Away.
The world doesn't slow down for you. When my father passed away, I was in my late 20's, but I had so much maturing to do. My job gave me a week off...free of charge. They paid for it. Instead of being thankful, I went back to work, found out that people still functioned at full pace and found validation in various coping mechanisms. The world didn't stop. People gave their sincere/not-so-sincere consolations, and went on. For some reason I felt the world should have stopped then. "Why don't people understand my misery??" The harsh truth is that they never will. They have their own lives to live - there's nothing wrong with that. In fact, get used to it right now.
The speech went well. I need to work on vocal variety, and making sure I 'move a purpose'. So it's OK to use movement with speech, but make sure you're not doing a nervous pace.
I'm really trying to tear a page out of my father's book, and be a brave dude. And I will be brave. I guess I'm a little disappointed with the lack of response from my family...not my immediate family. My mother sent an e-mail out to my extended family of the details on July 21st two weeks ago...haven't heard a fucking word from anyone.
This is where I'm a hypocrite. I don't want to be smothered in 'sorrys' and 'praying for yous'. However, when you have a total of 15 aunts and uncles, you'd think at least one of them, or their kin, would respond. It's tough to blame them - I probably wouldn't respond because what do you say? I guess I just thought the law of averages would put a comment or two in my corner.
*****************************************************************
When I was 18 years old...18 fucking years old!!? - I would try to be the craziest mf'er at the party. Not trying to sound so cool (look at me now), but many times I succeeded. I remember saying on many occasions saying "don't worry about it...I don't live passed 30". HA BITCH! *smiley faces all around*
*********************************************************************
How could you dislike me? If I don't see 'eye to eye' with you in one issue or another...I get it. But for someone to come out and actually say they 'dislike' me? I'm the easiest person to get along with. Just don't be a douche.
****************************************************************
Last night (Friday night) was filled with all sorts of anxiety. Anxiety of the upcoming surgery. Anxiety of tomorrow and yesterday. I didn't get shit for sleep. Excitement over last week's accomplishments. But mostly anxiety.
*******************************************************************
This site is known about by about 6-7 people. One person very close to the situation, kinda like my wife, and totally my wife, pointed to this thread and was worried:
http://incoherent-sanity.blogspot.com/2011/06/morning-thought.html
Here's the thing about this post: Yes, it's a morbid passage. Yes, the dude that wrote it killed himself in public shortly after this. But remember, this whole "blog" is for selfish purposes...it's for me to "express myself" (best Hank Hill voice). He simply added an arbitrary vision to death that was helping me help deal with the subject of death. It's very complex and deep subject that IMO, NOBODY has the answers to.
The speech went well. I need to work on vocal variety, and making sure I 'move a purpose'. So it's OK to use movement with speech, but make sure you're not doing a nervous pace.
I'm really trying to tear a page out of my father's book, and be a brave dude. And I will be brave. I guess I'm a little disappointed with the lack of response from my family...not my immediate family. My mother sent an e-mail out to my extended family of the details on July 21st two weeks ago...haven't heard a fucking word from anyone.
This is where I'm a hypocrite. I don't want to be smothered in 'sorrys' and 'praying for yous'. However, when you have a total of 15 aunts and uncles, you'd think at least one of them, or their kin, would respond. It's tough to blame them - I probably wouldn't respond because what do you say? I guess I just thought the law of averages would put a comment or two in my corner.
*****************************************************************
When I was 18 years old...18 fucking years old!!? - I would try to be the craziest mf'er at the party. Not trying to sound so cool (look at me now), but many times I succeeded. I remember saying on many occasions saying "don't worry about it...I don't live passed 30". HA BITCH! *smiley faces all around*
*********************************************************************
How could you dislike me? If I don't see 'eye to eye' with you in one issue or another...I get it. But for someone to come out and actually say they 'dislike' me? I'm the easiest person to get along with. Just don't be a douche.
****************************************************************
Last night (Friday night) was filled with all sorts of anxiety. Anxiety of the upcoming surgery. Anxiety of tomorrow and yesterday. I didn't get shit for sleep. Excitement over last week's accomplishments. But mostly anxiety.
*******************************************************************
This site is known about by about 6-7 people. One person very close to the situation, kinda like my wife, and totally my wife, pointed to this thread and was worried:
http://incoherent-sanity.blogspot.com/2011/06/morning-thought.html
Here's the thing about this post: Yes, it's a morbid passage. Yes, the dude that wrote it killed himself in public shortly after this. But remember, this whole "blog" is for selfish purposes...it's for me to "express myself" (best Hank Hill voice). He simply added an arbitrary vision to death that was helping me help deal with the subject of death. It's very complex and deep subject that IMO, NOBODY has the answers to.
Friday, June 24, 2011
The Cycle of Underground Music
Whether you're a fan of metal like myself, hip hop, whatever it might be - there's a trend that I find pretty humorous among the hipsters of any genre:
Band X is discovered by a handful of people. No one seems to know much about Band X, which adds to the intrigue. The music is legitimately good, and the handful of people can't wait to tell people about this band they discovered!
Band X starts to gain momentum - chatter about them starts to pick up on message boards and other social medias. Rave reviews start to surface.
Band X is the talk of the underground. More and more people start to catch on, and Band X is all of a sudden doing a full world tour.
Hipsters never liked Band X. Band X are superficial and really don't add anything to the music scene. Sellouts!
Repeat.
Band X is discovered by a handful of people. No one seems to know much about Band X, which adds to the intrigue. The music is legitimately good, and the handful of people can't wait to tell people about this band they discovered!
Band X starts to gain momentum - chatter about them starts to pick up on message boards and other social medias. Rave reviews start to surface.
Band X is the talk of the underground. More and more people start to catch on, and Band X is all of a sudden doing a full world tour.
Hipsters never liked Band X. Band X are superficial and really don't add anything to the music scene. Sellouts!
Repeat.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Preparing for a Good Speech
A year ago when I was relatively new to giving speeches, the distinct goal was to get in front of people and deliver my speech without looking too nervous, and without looking like a total robot. It's fun to feel the improvements that I've experienced in the last year. However, now there's so much preparation. Things that I have to keep in mind now:
Use of notes. Nobody wants wants to see a speech delivered as if it were being read from a book. That could be the easiest way to lose your audience. It should look like you are speaking on something you've known your whole life.
Body language - use of hands, but make it proper. Point when delivering a prudent statement. Pound the fist if you are really trying to drive something home. Instead of standing still, walk from one side to the other when transitioning from one point to another. Animate anything you are speaking about that is easy to animate. However, don't do any of these excessively.
Verbiage - you don't want to come off as pompous and use words that go over people's heads. You also want to appear you've been schooled passed the 3rd grade. Word plays are fun, and keep the audience listening. If you can add a little humor - that goes a long way as well. However, don't try to be a stand up comedian unless you KNOW you're funny. Nothing can fail more than a speech that is 100% trying to be funny, when it's not.
Speaking of stand-up comedians - they are some of the best speakers out there. I love stand up for the humor - obviously - but I also like to watch their mannerisms as they describe their situations and deliver the punchlines.
Time to go practice more.
Use of notes. Nobody wants wants to see a speech delivered as if it were being read from a book. That could be the easiest way to lose your audience. It should look like you are speaking on something you've known your whole life.
Body language - use of hands, but make it proper. Point when delivering a prudent statement. Pound the fist if you are really trying to drive something home. Instead of standing still, walk from one side to the other when transitioning from one point to another. Animate anything you are speaking about that is easy to animate. However, don't do any of these excessively.
Verbiage - you don't want to come off as pompous and use words that go over people's heads. You also want to appear you've been schooled passed the 3rd grade. Word plays are fun, and keep the audience listening. If you can add a little humor - that goes a long way as well. However, don't try to be a stand up comedian unless you KNOW you're funny. Nothing can fail more than a speech that is 100% trying to be funny, when it's not.
Speaking of stand-up comedians - they are some of the best speakers out there. I love stand up for the humor - obviously - but I also like to watch their mannerisms as they describe their situations and deliver the punchlines.
Time to go practice more.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
The Law of the Workout
...First time back in the gym since last Thursday, and I had to overcome one of the workout laws: If your last workout was especially great, your next workout will be a letdown. This goes all the way back to my power lifting days, and was proven correct again tonight. I was about 4 minutes off pace of my personal best. I knew five minutes in this workout was going to be shitty.
However, it's easy to give up on your letdown days - I didn't. Five minutes in, I wanted to get off, and say it was a 'weight lifting night'. My mind was trying to justify why it was OK to get off...but I didn't. So for that, there's no less satisfaction than that of my great workout night.
However, it's easy to give up on your letdown days - I didn't. Five minutes in, I wanted to get off, and say it was a 'weight lifting night'. My mind was trying to justify why it was OK to get off...but I didn't. So for that, there's no less satisfaction than that of my great workout night.
Whole Grain Cereal
You were not there for The Beginning. You will not be there for The End…. Your knowledge of what is going on can only be superficial and relative.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Busy Man.
I have to be the Toastmaster tomorrow, give presentations on Wednesday, give a speech on Thursday, and then prepare over the weekend for another speech on Tuesday. All in a weeks work, I s'pose! Happily there will be a cool goal met after it's said and done. My posts will probably be somewhat short until then. I know my readership of zero will be disappointed.
"Nobody will break your fall.
All for one, yeah, none for all.
Nothing's so cruel as the truth.
Join the festival, my fools." ---- PS, TON
"Nobody will break your fall.
All for one, yeah, none for all.
Nothing's so cruel as the truth.
Join the festival, my fools." ---- PS, TON
Sunday, June 19, 2011
For My Father.
As the years have passed, I still think about you every day. It's more with a smile now than with tears, but I do still feel sorrow over your passing. Your work ethic was nearly unparalleled, and I hope I inherit a fraction of it. You would labor 60-70 hours a week just to make ends meet. You made sure that not only did we get by, but that we would have a wonderful childhood. I understand your absence for those late nights at work much more now. If I have kids, I hope to retain and share some of the knowledge that you shared me. Much like me, your brain never stopped working, just in very different ways - yours much more productive.
Through the good times and the rough times, you were the bravest, strongest man I've ever met. Your inspiration in times of strife has been profoundly influential. In my 31 years, I never heard an ill word about you - and if I did I would need to correct them.
Toward the end you asked me if you were a good father, and I confirmed that you were. Though my constant questioning of philosophy and religion has me wondering if there is heaven - I hope some way, some how, you can feel and absorb these words: Thanks again, for everything that you did. You were a wonderful father, and I cherish your memories and life lessons. Happy Father's Day - I love you.
Through the good times and the rough times, you were the bravest, strongest man I've ever met. Your inspiration in times of strife has been profoundly influential. In my 31 years, I never heard an ill word about you - and if I did I would need to correct them.
Toward the end you asked me if you were a good father, and I confirmed that you were. Though my constant questioning of philosophy and religion has me wondering if there is heaven - I hope some way, some how, you can feel and absorb these words: Thanks again, for everything that you did. You were a wonderful father, and I cherish your memories and life lessons. Happy Father's Day - I love you.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Finding Validation in my Decision
With an acoustic neuroma, there are 3 different options you can take:
1) "Watch and Wait" - since this is a benign tumor, it grows very slowly. It only becomes life threatening if it starts pushing on the brain stem. Mine is small in size, and I could realistically do this for quite some time. It would involve an MRI every 6 months to monitor the tumor. Even though it's slow growing, they can sporadically take off (though rare).
2) Radiation - This is a shorter term solution. Radiation is acutely applied to the tumor to help shrink it as much as possible. It's more of a bandage (though a significant bandage) to the tumor. This is probably not an option for me - they typically won't do this for someone of my age since it will grow back.
3) Surgery, the path I've chosen. It's brain surgery, so it's invasive. However, they can typically get the thing out of there. Possibility of side effects.
Though I'm keeping with my decision, sometimes I read opinions as found here:
http://www.anausa.org/smf/index.php?topic=15578.0
http://www.anausa.org/smf/index.php?topic=13695.0
Some of the posts are a bit scary. People with life long side effects? Damn. I think the toughest thing for me is knowing how different every case can be. I just don't know what to expect. It's not like a broken bone where you have x amount of weeks for healing.
Here's the bottom line (typing this out I think helps my validation process): I plan to live for quite a bit longer. Due to my younger age, I will eventually probably have to get this surgery done. The longer I let this tumor grow, the more side effects I could experience (facial numbness, headaches). After the surgery, I probably have these side effects, but it tends to be USUALLY short term. If this occurs before the surgery by the tumor, from my understanding these side effects are irreversible. My doctor seems to think this is the way to go. This isn't a fun decision to make, but I completely believe I'm making the correct one.
1) "Watch and Wait" - since this is a benign tumor, it grows very slowly. It only becomes life threatening if it starts pushing on the brain stem. Mine is small in size, and I could realistically do this for quite some time. It would involve an MRI every 6 months to monitor the tumor. Even though it's slow growing, they can sporadically take off (though rare).
2) Radiation - This is a shorter term solution. Radiation is acutely applied to the tumor to help shrink it as much as possible. It's more of a bandage (though a significant bandage) to the tumor. This is probably not an option for me - they typically won't do this for someone of my age since it will grow back.
3) Surgery, the path I've chosen. It's brain surgery, so it's invasive. However, they can typically get the thing out of there. Possibility of side effects.
Though I'm keeping with my decision, sometimes I read opinions as found here:
http://www.anausa.org/smf/index.php?topic=15578.0
http://www.anausa.org/smf/index.php?topic=13695.0
Some of the posts are a bit scary. People with life long side effects? Damn. I think the toughest thing for me is knowing how different every case can be. I just don't know what to expect. It's not like a broken bone where you have x amount of weeks for healing.
Here's the bottom line (typing this out I think helps my validation process): I plan to live for quite a bit longer. Due to my younger age, I will eventually probably have to get this surgery done. The longer I let this tumor grow, the more side effects I could experience (facial numbness, headaches). After the surgery, I probably have these side effects, but it tends to be USUALLY short term. If this occurs before the surgery by the tumor, from my understanding these side effects are irreversible. My doctor seems to think this is the way to go. This isn't a fun decision to make, but I completely believe I'm making the correct one.
Mixing Things Up a Bit...
As if there has been a 'theme' so far, HA!
Let's talk Hawkeyes! YES!
I'm actually a little concerned on the recruiting front this year. I've followed recruiting since around 2002 when the Scout.com's and Rivals.com's got big. It seems kids commit earlier and earlier every year. Iowa has only one commit so far, which doesn't concern me all that much. What concerns me is that some of the players that were seemingly high priorities for the Hawks are committing elsewhere. Unlike years past, we're not losing them to Notre Dame, Nebby, Texas, Florida...the powerhouses. We're losing them to Wisconsin, Northwestern, and Missouri. That combined with arguably our highest recruit from last year (Coe) having to JUCO, I think my concern is legitimate.
That said, Ferentz is a magician. Sometimes I think he's too conservative...and we may never win a national title - but the man can put together a winning team. He also seems to win with 'diamonds in the rough' - so my recruiting concern is hopefully a moot point.
Let's talk Hawkeyes! YES!
I'm actually a little concerned on the recruiting front this year. I've followed recruiting since around 2002 when the Scout.com's and Rivals.com's got big. It seems kids commit earlier and earlier every year. Iowa has only one commit so far, which doesn't concern me all that much. What concerns me is that some of the players that were seemingly high priorities for the Hawks are committing elsewhere. Unlike years past, we're not losing them to Notre Dame, Nebby, Texas, Florida...the powerhouses. We're losing them to Wisconsin, Northwestern, and Missouri. That combined with arguably our highest recruit from last year (Coe) having to JUCO, I think my concern is legitimate.
That said, Ferentz is a magician. Sometimes I think he's too conservative...and we may never win a national title - but the man can put together a winning team. He also seems to win with 'diamonds in the rough' - so my recruiting concern is hopefully a moot point.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Refreshing.
I worked out for the first time in over a month tonight. I went to the Y...they have stationary bikes there, but they have a screen that show other bikers, trails, and you also have 30 gears at your disposal. It's not biking outside - but it's the next best thing.
I figured I'd get on there and give it 15 minutes, and then maybe throw around some weights. I ended up going about 45 minutes, 11.5 miles. That's a personal best for me on that trail (they have numerous courses) by more than 4 minutes. I didn't intend to go that hard, sweat that much, pedal as fast...it just happened, and it felt great. Thankfully the wifey pushed me to go...any waiver and I would happily passed, came home and plopped in front of either the computer or TV.
So while mornings have been rough for fatigue...it appears I can still kick ass at night. Weight is right around where it was last time I worked out...it would be nice if I could shed about another 8 pounds before the surgery. I'm thinking about going on a low calorie diet for the 30 days before the surgery...if the Doc says it's cool.
Feeling like dominating right now.
I figured I'd get on there and give it 15 minutes, and then maybe throw around some weights. I ended up going about 45 minutes, 11.5 miles. That's a personal best for me on that trail (they have numerous courses) by more than 4 minutes. I didn't intend to go that hard, sweat that much, pedal as fast...it just happened, and it felt great. Thankfully the wifey pushed me to go...any waiver and I would happily passed, came home and plopped in front of either the computer or TV.
So while mornings have been rough for fatigue...it appears I can still kick ass at night. Weight is right around where it was last time I worked out...it would be nice if I could shed about another 8 pounds before the surgery. I'm thinking about going on a low calorie diet for the 30 days before the surgery...if the Doc says it's cool.
Feeling like dominating right now.
Anger
Too many snooty/conceited comments from the same person/people can originate a fire inside, maybe even moreso when you are supposed to love them, and they are nice to your face. I shouldn't let these comments anger me as they aren't directed toward me - but it does because I think them ugly people inside.
I broke my headphone because they were on the ground at work, and I rolled over them with my chair.
I just found out another 1000 will be out of a job within my company. Luckily I'm not affected.
I'm really not a negative person, apparently I just like rant about things that anger me.
Stay tuned for some positivity.
I broke my headphone because they were on the ground at work, and I rolled over them with my chair.
I just found out another 1000 will be out of a job within my company. Luckily I'm not affected.
I'm really not a negative person, apparently I just like rant about things that anger me.
Stay tuned for some positivity.
Morning TV
Since I work an 'off-shift' of 11-8, but still wake up around 8:00 or so, I often lay/sit in front of the TV for a while. Morning TV is shit. In the background right now, I have ESPN's First Take on. They have now cut to commercial three separate times with, "Coming up, we'll talk to future high Draft Pick KYRIE IRVING, and how he actually PREFERS vegimite sandwiches to PB&J!"
I know it might be slow sports day....but c'mon....
I'd watch the news, but I don't really trust most media, and most of the news is negative. Not a favorite way to start the day.
SO I BLOG!!!
I know it might be slow sports day....but c'mon....
I'd watch the news, but I don't really trust most media, and most of the news is negative. Not a favorite way to start the day.
SO I BLOG!!!
Morning Thought
"
There is a very popular opinion that choosing life is
inherently superior to choosing death. This belief that life is
inherently preferable to death is one of the most widespread
superstitions. This bias constitutes one of the most obstinate
mythologies of the human species.
This prejudice against death, however, is a kind of
xenophobia. Discrimination against death is simply assumed
good and right. Absolutist faith in life is commonly a result
of the unthinking conviction that existence or survival, along
with an irrational fear of death, is “good”. This unreasoned
conviction in the rightness of life over death is like a god or a
mass delusion. Life is the “noble lie”; the common secularreligion of the West.
For the conventional Westerner, the obvious leap of faith
to make here is that one’s “self” and its preservation
constitute the first measure of rationality. Yet if one begins
reasoning with the unquestioned premise that life is good, or
that one’s own life or any life is justified, this is very
different from bringing that premise itself to be questioned
rationally. Anyone who has ever contemplated his or her
own mortality might question the ultimate sanity of the
premise of self-preservation. Even if it is possible to live
forever, moreover, this makes not an iota of difference as to
the question of the value of existence."
---- Mitchell Heisman
There is a very popular opinion that choosing life is
inherently superior to choosing death. This belief that life is
inherently preferable to death is one of the most widespread
superstitions. This bias constitutes one of the most obstinate
mythologies of the human species.
This prejudice against death, however, is a kind of
xenophobia. Discrimination against death is simply assumed
good and right. Absolutist faith in life is commonly a result
of the unthinking conviction that existence or survival, along
with an irrational fear of death, is “good”. This unreasoned
conviction in the rightness of life over death is like a god or a
mass delusion. Life is the “noble lie”; the common secularreligion of the West.
For the conventional Westerner, the obvious leap of faith
to make here is that one’s “self” and its preservation
constitute the first measure of rationality. Yet if one begins
reasoning with the unquestioned premise that life is good, or
that one’s own life or any life is justified, this is very
different from bringing that premise itself to be questioned
rationally. Anyone who has ever contemplated his or her
own mortality might question the ultimate sanity of the
premise of self-preservation. Even if it is possible to live
forever, moreover, this makes not an iota of difference as to
the question of the value of existence."
---- Mitchell Heisman
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
On the tumor front...
Not much new. I was really tired this morning (more than usual), but I also had a hell of a time falling asleep last night. So it may have had nothing to do with added fatigue. I wish I would have scheduled the surgery earlier.
"The waiting, is the hardest part." --- Tom Petty
"The waiting, is the hardest part." --- Tom Petty
Observation
It seems to me that successful people are typically in good shape physically. There will be exceptions to this rule, of course. But as I walk the halls of the corporate world, see prominent personalities on TV, look at the U.S. leaders - for the most part these folks look to be physically in shape.
It doesn't have to be that far up the ladder, either. It seems that people in simple supervisory positions seem to take care of themselves. Maybe they're not mountain climbers or triathletes, but either they have good/lucky genetics, or they consciously take care of themselves.
What am I getting at? Well, I don't know. It seems a high percentage of successful people are in fair to good shape. So in a corporate setting for example - is it managers that seek out these types of people, creating a cycle, or is there something ingrained in the brains of these folks that make them function better...more efficiently....more....successfully?
I've witnessed an employee (again I have to watch myself here) that was very overweight, change completely and now loves to run, and is in good shape. When she was overweight, she annoyed me. Now I find her to be a good - great co-worker. Did she change, or did my perception change? Do we automatically negatively judge overweight people without even knowing? I didn't think I did. I mean, I do to an extent outside of the workplace if I see pure negligence of one's own obesity, but I never thought on a professional level.
So many questions. Either way, it wouldn't hurt to lose a few pounds. Down about 35-40 (depending on the day) from a year ago...but still a ways to go.
In the words of Patrick Bateman, "this confession has meant nothing".
It doesn't have to be that far up the ladder, either. It seems that people in simple supervisory positions seem to take care of themselves. Maybe they're not mountain climbers or triathletes, but either they have good/lucky genetics, or they consciously take care of themselves.
What am I getting at? Well, I don't know. It seems a high percentage of successful people are in fair to good shape. So in a corporate setting for example - is it managers that seek out these types of people, creating a cycle, or is there something ingrained in the brains of these folks that make them function better...more efficiently....more....successfully?
I've witnessed an employee (again I have to watch myself here) that was very overweight, change completely and now loves to run, and is in good shape. When she was overweight, she annoyed me. Now I find her to be a good - great co-worker. Did she change, or did my perception change? Do we automatically negatively judge overweight people without even knowing? I didn't think I did. I mean, I do to an extent outside of the workplace if I see pure negligence of one's own obesity, but I never thought on a professional level.
So many questions. Either way, it wouldn't hurt to lose a few pounds. Down about 35-40 (depending on the day) from a year ago...but still a ways to go.
In the words of Patrick Bateman, "this confession has meant nothing".
The Bell Avenue Effect
I probably wont talk about my job much because it's just not that exciting, and also a little 'cover your ass' comes into play. But Wednesdays are the workdays I actually look forward to.
For half a day, I go down to the site at Bell Avenue where I give presentations, answer questions, and really just be a resource for a product they are trying to learn more about and sell. For that half day, I'm important. I'm challenged. I'm treated with respect. I mingle with upper management about sales strategies in pull-through impact. For that half of the day I am challenged and kept on my toes. I get a little nervous sometimes when I have to do these presentations, but it's almost like an adrenaline rush anymore. I can thank Toastmasters for that.
I do have to return to my cubicle for the 2nd half of the day, but I find myself smiling from my previous interactions...in good spirits and refreshed. It's fun to feel respected and important. I hope to try and draw motivation from this to not FEEL this way, but to BE.
For half a day, I go down to the site at Bell Avenue where I give presentations, answer questions, and really just be a resource for a product they are trying to learn more about and sell. For that half day, I'm important. I'm challenged. I'm treated with respect. I mingle with upper management about sales strategies in pull-through impact. For that half of the day I am challenged and kept on my toes. I get a little nervous sometimes when I have to do these presentations, but it's almost like an adrenaline rush anymore. I can thank Toastmasters for that.
I do have to return to my cubicle for the 2nd half of the day, but I find myself smiling from my previous interactions...in good spirits and refreshed. It's fun to feel respected and important. I hope to try and draw motivation from this to not FEEL this way, but to BE.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
And on the trivial side....
I managed to spill spaghetti sauce all over my shirt. Now I look like a damn goon at work.
Religion and Mortality
Most of my life I've considered myself an atheist. Religion and me just seemed to be the cliche square peg in a round hole. One thing that I always validated my atheism is that religion was created because the human mind cannot properly comprehend finality, or mortality. This isn't/wasn't my only form of validation - there's much more that I don't feel like getting into...
Then I started considering my own mortality. This has nothing to do with my tumor (it's not life threatening). This started happening years ago. With a lack of religion, and belief in the afterlife, death can be a scary prospect. It keeps me up at nights, fills me with anxiety. So the thought comes to my head - why NOT embrace religion for my own peace of mind?
"Ordinary people seem not to realize that those
who really apply themselves in the right way to
philosophy are directly and of their own accord
preparing themselves for dying and death. If this
is true, and they have actually been looking
forward to death all their lives, it would of course
be absurd to be troubled when the thing comes
for which they have so long been preparing and
looking forward."
—SOCRATES, PHAEDO
I have read that quote probably 20 times over the last 48 hours. Notice it doesn't speak about "religion", it speaks only to 'philosophy'. However, there's something to be said about religion properly preparing yourself for death.
This is my constant struggle.
Then I started considering my own mortality. This has nothing to do with my tumor (it's not life threatening). This started happening years ago. With a lack of religion, and belief in the afterlife, death can be a scary prospect. It keeps me up at nights, fills me with anxiety. So the thought comes to my head - why NOT embrace religion for my own peace of mind?
"Ordinary people seem not to realize that those
who really apply themselves in the right way to
philosophy are directly and of their own accord
preparing themselves for dying and death. If this
is true, and they have actually been looking
forward to death all their lives, it would of course
be absurd to be troubled when the thing comes
for which they have so long been preparing and
looking forward."
—SOCRATES, PHAEDO
I have read that quote probably 20 times over the last 48 hours. Notice it doesn't speak about "religion", it speaks only to 'philosophy'. However, there's something to be said about religion properly preparing yourself for death.
This is my constant struggle.
Look, I'm a blogger now.
For anyone that stumbles upon this site, please know this is a place of complete and utter random ramblings If you read these ramblings and want to conversate about them, feel free. This was and is created for my own personal use. This is not to sound negative, however I am not here to inspire, nor is there any real "theme" to this. I'm a thinker. I reflect. Constantly. I am often socially awkward, though my close friends would find this hard to believe. I believe that I could live as a hermit, only keeping in contact with a few close friends and close family.
I've chosen to start writing my thoughts down. Incoherent as they may be, I consider them sane. My weeks are encompassed in monotony. I work, come home to make dinner, watch TV, and go to sleep. I feel that it's important for me to exercise my mind a bit more, and to preserve those precious brain cells I've managed retain.
I found out a couple months ago that I have an acoustic neuroma, which is a benign brain tumor. I'm having it removed on July 21st. Brain surgery...fun stuff. I don't mean to sound dramatic, but I would like to see my written word before this surgery is done, in case my writing skills are diminished to an extent.
Now I don't want to come off as a negative, misanthrope, if you will. If you've come across this blog because you have an acoustic neuroma, then I hope you can find a bit of comfort in sharing in my experiences. However, I'm not going to be 'sunshine and lollipops' all of the time. Most days I feel very 'warrior-like' in my approach to getting over this tumor. Other days, however, are shrouded in a bit of fear. Though I am doing this blog for myself, there is a certain assumption that this will get read on this grand scale of internet dominance.
Although I am going through the challenges of a tumor removal, this is not all this site will be dedicated to. Philosophical thoughts, accomplishments, gripes, experiences...anything I feel like I want to write down.
Going back to my tumor (see I'm jumping all over the place), as of right now I consider my side-effects fairly minor. It's all perspective. If the things that I have experienced over the last year were sprung on me suddenly, I would probably consider them major. My hearing in my right ear is almost gone, and I have pretty severe tinnitus in the same ear. Every once in a while, my balance is a little challenged, but it doesn't happen too often. I think the most annoying thing I've been experiencing lately is fatigue. I do small exercises in the morning (crunches and a few pushups) just to get my blood flowing...but even those things are challenging to muster up the energy for sometimes. I will probably blog a bit later. This is all I have for now.
I've chosen to start writing my thoughts down. Incoherent as they may be, I consider them sane. My weeks are encompassed in monotony. I work, come home to make dinner, watch TV, and go to sleep. I feel that it's important for me to exercise my mind a bit more, and to preserve those precious brain cells I've managed retain.
I found out a couple months ago that I have an acoustic neuroma, which is a benign brain tumor. I'm having it removed on July 21st. Brain surgery...fun stuff. I don't mean to sound dramatic, but I would like to see my written word before this surgery is done, in case my writing skills are diminished to an extent.
Now I don't want to come off as a negative, misanthrope, if you will. If you've come across this blog because you have an acoustic neuroma, then I hope you can find a bit of comfort in sharing in my experiences. However, I'm not going to be 'sunshine and lollipops' all of the time. Most days I feel very 'warrior-like' in my approach to getting over this tumor. Other days, however, are shrouded in a bit of fear. Though I am doing this blog for myself, there is a certain assumption that this will get read on this grand scale of internet dominance.
Although I am going through the challenges of a tumor removal, this is not all this site will be dedicated to. Philosophical thoughts, accomplishments, gripes, experiences...anything I feel like I want to write down.
Going back to my tumor (see I'm jumping all over the place), as of right now I consider my side-effects fairly minor. It's all perspective. If the things that I have experienced over the last year were sprung on me suddenly, I would probably consider them major. My hearing in my right ear is almost gone, and I have pretty severe tinnitus in the same ear. Every once in a while, my balance is a little challenged, but it doesn't happen too often. I think the most annoying thing I've been experiencing lately is fatigue. I do small exercises in the morning (crunches and a few pushups) just to get my blood flowing...but even those things are challenging to muster up the energy for sometimes. I will probably blog a bit later. This is all I have for now.
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