The world doesn't slow down for you. When my father passed away, I was in my late 20's, but I had so much maturing to do. My job gave me a week off...free of charge. They paid for it. Instead of being thankful, I went back to work, found out that people still functioned at full pace and found validation in various coping mechanisms. The world didn't stop. People gave their sincere/not-so-sincere consolations, and went on. For some reason I felt the world should have stopped then. "Why don't people understand my misery??" The harsh truth is that they never will. They have their own lives to live - there's nothing wrong with that. In fact, get used to it right now.
The speech went well. I need to work on vocal variety, and making sure I 'move a purpose'. So it's OK to use movement with speech, but make sure you're not doing a nervous pace.
I'm really trying to tear a page out of my father's book, and be a brave dude. And I will be brave. I guess I'm a little disappointed with the lack of response from my family...not my immediate family. My mother sent an e-mail out to my extended family of the details on July 21st two weeks ago...haven't heard a fucking word from anyone.
This is where I'm a hypocrite. I don't want to be smothered in 'sorrys' and 'praying for yous'. However, when you have a total of 15 aunts and uncles, you'd think at least one of them, or their kin, would respond. It's tough to blame them - I probably wouldn't respond because what do you say? I guess I just thought the law of averages would put a comment or two in my corner.
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When I was 18 years old...18 fucking years old!!? - I would try to be the craziest mf'er at the party. Not trying to sound so cool (look at me now), but many times I succeeded. I remember saying on many occasions saying "don't worry about it...I don't live passed 30". HA BITCH! *smiley faces all around*
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How could you dislike me? If I don't see 'eye to eye' with you in one issue or another...I get it. But for someone to come out and actually say they 'dislike' me? I'm the easiest person to get along with. Just don't be a douche.
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Last night (Friday night) was filled with all sorts of anxiety. Anxiety of the upcoming surgery. Anxiety of tomorrow and yesterday. I didn't get shit for sleep. Excitement over last week's accomplishments. But mostly anxiety.
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This site is known about by about 6-7 people. One person very close to the situation, kinda like my wife, and totally my wife, pointed to this thread and was worried:
http://incoherent-sanity.blogspot.com/2011/06/morning-thought.html
Here's the thing about this post: Yes, it's a morbid passage. Yes, the dude that wrote it killed himself in public shortly after this. But remember, this whole "blog" is for selfish purposes...it's for me to "express myself" (best Hank Hill voice). He simply added an arbitrary vision to death that was helping me help deal with the subject of death. It's very complex and deep subject that IMO, NOBODY has the answers to.
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