No Title Thursday

No Title Thursday

Piling On

There's a lot of uncertainty in the air at work.  For some strange reason, upper management decided to announce that we were going to have a "major announcement about restructuring" on August 1st.  So essentially they announced that we were going to have an announcement.  Supposedly this is also supposed to "calm down any rumors" that were afloat.  This is utterly ridiculous.  Our group had no idea that there were any rumors going around, and now there's nothing BUT rumors.  My always reassuring boss is now saying to keep our fingers crossed.

I've always been optimistic on the job front.  I always told myself that if something were to happen, I'd land on my feet.  I'm in a volatile industry - it wouldn't be completely unexpected if we were laid off.  The issue I have is the timing.  My surgery is in July 21st, and I will be out probably at least a month...maybe as long as 3 months.  I will be gone while this potential bomb is dropped.  I can't really post out for another position.  How can someone hire you when I'd have to be gone for at least the first month?  My company tries to keep people within the company if possible when layoffs happen.  I'm wondering how they can place me somewhere else when I'm not there.

This is an added element I wasn't expecting.  However this certainly cements my surgery on the 21st.  If I do get laid off, I need to ensure I have this covered.  I believe this is a $250,000 surgery.

Hopefully all of this is just worry, and nothing comes to fruition.

Competent Communicator

Yesterday I finished my tenth speech, which gives me the title within Toastmasters of 'Competent Communicator'.  It's been quite a journey.  I look at the progress I've made since my first speech where I was almost too nervous to speak.  Very rewarding.  I get certification, so it will also hopefully be a nice little resume builder.

I've gotten in a few very productive workouts.  I'm biking faster than I ever have...beating my personal best times by large margins.

My mind is still in a good place, but nights are still tough.  I toss and turn typically for a good hour...just wondering what my life will be like post surgery.  I think about the people that have said they lost their wives, jobs, family members because they are fatigued long term.  Are they just self-loathing, or is it legit? I have my pre-op meeting in Iowa City in exactly one week.  I want to ask my doctor what percentage of people have long term effects.

I have a buddy coming in from San Francisco tomorrow evening.  Really looking forward to seeing him.  He's one of the only people that understands my struggles with philosophy and religion...and has ended up being close to nihilism like myself.

Deletion

Below is why I shouldn't drink and blog.  I was very tempted to come here and delete the post, but it's all part of the journey...

I'm just about finished writing my speech for tomorrow.  It's about the art used on CD covers and labels of beer, and how it can affect our decision making.  I'm supposed to use visual aids and was drawing a blank...then I went downstairs to a storage bin that was full of misc debris.  There I found a few empty bottles of beer that I held on to specifically because of the art, and also some old CD cases.  I'm hoping it will be a fun speech - last week's was serious.

Please Don't Take My Sunshine Away.

The world doesn't slow down for you.  When my father passed away, I was in my late 20's, but I had so much maturing to do.  My job gave me a week off...free of charge.  They paid for it.  Instead of being thankful, I went back to work, found out that people still functioned at full pace and found validation in various coping mechanisms.  The world didn't stop.  People gave their sincere/not-so-sincere consolations, and went on.  For some reason I felt the world should have stopped then.  "Why don't people understand my misery??"  The harsh truth is that they never will.  They have their own lives to live - there's nothing wrong with that.  In fact, get used to it right now.


The speech went well.  I need to work on vocal variety, and making sure I 'move a purpose'.  So it's OK to use movement with speech, but make sure you're not doing a nervous pace.

I'm really trying to tear a page out of my father's book, and be a brave dude.  And I will be brave.  I guess I'm a little disappointed with the lack of response from my family...not my immediate family.  My mother sent an e-mail out to my extended family of the details on July 21st two weeks ago...haven't heard a fucking word from anyone.

This is where I'm a hypocrite.  I don't want to be smothered in 'sorrys' and 'praying for yous'.  However, when you have a total of 15 aunts and uncles, you'd think at least one of them, or their kin, would respond.  It's tough to blame them - I probably wouldn't respond because what do you say?  I guess I just thought the law of averages would put a comment or two in my corner.

*****************************************************************

When I was 18 years old...18 fucking years old!!? - I would try to be the craziest mf'er at the party.  Not trying to sound so cool (look at me now), but many times I succeeded.  I remember saying on many occasions saying "don't worry about it...I don't live passed 30".  HA BITCH!  *smiley faces all around*

*********************************************************************

How could you dislike me?  If I don't see 'eye to eye' with you in one issue or another...I get it.  But for someone to come out and actually say they 'dislike' me?  I'm the easiest person to get along with.  Just don't be a douche.

****************************************************************

Last night (Friday night) was filled with all sorts of anxiety.  Anxiety of the upcoming surgery.  Anxiety of tomorrow and yesterday.  I didn't get shit for sleep.  Excitement over last week's accomplishments.  But mostly anxiety.

*******************************************************************

This site is known about by about 6-7 people.  One person very close to the situation, kinda like my wife, and totally my wife, pointed to this thread and was worried:

http://incoherent-sanity.blogspot.com/2011/06/morning-thought.html

Here's the thing about this post:  Yes, it's a morbid passage.  Yes, the dude that wrote it killed himself in public shortly after this.  But remember, this whole "blog" is for selfish purposes...it's for me to "express myself" (best Hank Hill voice).  He simply added an arbitrary vision to death that was helping me help deal with the subject of death.  It's very complex and deep subject that IMO, NOBODY has the answers to.

The Cycle of Underground Music

Whether you're a fan of metal like myself, hip hop, whatever it might be - there's a trend that I find pretty humorous among the hipsters of any genre:

Band X is discovered by a handful of people.  No one seems to know much about Band X, which adds to the intrigue.  The music is legitimately good, and the handful of people can't wait to tell people about this band they discovered!

Band X starts to gain momentum - chatter about them starts to pick up on message boards and other social medias.  Rave reviews start to surface.

Band X is the talk of the underground.  More and more people start to catch on, and Band X is all of a sudden doing a full world tour.

Hipsters never liked Band X.  Band X are superficial and really don't add anything to the music scene.  Sellouts!

Repeat.

Preparing for a Good Speech

A year ago when I was relatively new to giving speeches, the distinct goal was to get in front of people and deliver my speech without looking too nervous, and without looking like a total robot.  It's fun to feel the improvements that I've experienced in the last year.  However, now there's so much preparation.  Things that I have to keep in mind now:

Use of notes.  Nobody wants wants to see a speech delivered as if it were being read from a book.  That could be the easiest way to lose your audience.  It should look like you are speaking on something you've known your whole life.

Body language - use of hands, but make it proper.  Point when delivering a prudent statement.  Pound the fist if you are really trying to drive something home.  Instead of standing still, walk from one side to the other when transitioning from one point to another.  Animate anything you are speaking about that is easy to animate.  However, don't do any of these excessively.

Verbiage - you don't want to come off as pompous and use words that go over people's heads.  You also want to appear you've been schooled passed the 3rd grade.  Word plays are fun, and keep the audience listening.  If you can add a little humor - that goes a long way as well.  However, don't try to be a stand up comedian unless you KNOW you're funny.  Nothing can fail more than a speech that is 100% trying to be funny, when it's not.

Speaking of stand-up comedians - they are some of the best speakers out there.  I love stand up for the humor - obviously - but I also like to watch their mannerisms as they describe their situations and deliver the punchlines.

Time to go practice more.

The Law of the Workout

...First time back in the gym since last Thursday, and I had to overcome one of the workout laws:  If your last workout was especially great, your next workout will be a letdown.  This goes all the way back to my power lifting days, and was proven correct again tonight.  I was about 4 minutes off pace of my personal best.  I knew five minutes in this workout was going to be shitty.

However, it's easy to give up on your letdown days - I didn't.  Five minutes in, I wanted to get off, and say it was a 'weight lifting night'.  My mind was trying to justify why it was OK to get off...but I didn't.  So for that, there's no less satisfaction than that of my great workout night.

Whole Grain Cereal

You were not there for The Beginning. You will not be there for The End…. Your knowledge of what is going on can only be superficial and relative.

My New Tattoo

Introducing Ouroboros. 

Sean is the best.

Busy Man.

I have to be the Toastmaster tomorrow, give presentations on Wednesday, give a speech on Thursday, and then prepare over the weekend for another speech on Tuesday.  All in a weeks work, I s'pose!  Happily there will be a cool goal met after it's said and done.  My posts will probably be somewhat short until then.  I know my readership of zero will be disappointed.


"Nobody will break your fall.
All for one, yeah, none for all.
Nothing's so cruel as the truth.
Join the festival, my fools."    ----  PS, TON

For My Father.

As the years have passed, I still think about you every day.  It's more with a smile now than with tears, but I do still feel sorrow over your passing.  Your work ethic was nearly unparalleled, and I hope I inherit a fraction of it. You would labor 60-70 hours a week just to make ends meet.  You made sure that not only did we get by, but that we would have a wonderful childhood.  I understand your absence for those late nights at work much more now.  If I have kids, I hope to retain and share some of the knowledge that you shared me.  Much like me, your brain never stopped working, just in very different ways - yours much more productive.

Through the good times and the rough times, you were the bravest, strongest man I've ever met.  Your inspiration in times of strife has been profoundly influential.  In my 31 years, I never heard an ill word about you - and if I did I would need to correct them.

Toward the end you asked me if you were a good father, and I confirmed that you were.  Though my constant questioning of philosophy and religion has me wondering if there is heaven - I hope some way, some how, you can feel and absorb these words:  Thanks again, for everything that you did.  You were a wonderful father, and I cherish your memories and life lessons.  Happy Father's Day -  I love you.

Finding Validation in my Decision

With an acoustic neuroma, there are 3 different options you can take:

1) "Watch and Wait" - since this is a benign tumor, it grows very slowly.  It only becomes life threatening if it starts pushing on the brain stem.  Mine is small in size, and I could realistically do this for quite some time.  It would involve an MRI every 6 months to monitor the tumor.  Even though it's slow growing, they can sporadically take off (though rare).

2) Radiation - This is a shorter term solution.  Radiation is acutely applied to the tumor to help shrink it as much as possible.  It's more of a bandage (though a significant bandage) to the tumor.  This is probably not an option for me - they typically won't do this for someone of my age since it will grow back.

3) Surgery, the path I've chosen.  It's brain surgery, so it's invasive.  However, they can typically get the thing out of there.  Possibility of side effects.

Though I'm keeping with my decision, sometimes I read opinions as found here:

http://www.anausa.org/smf/index.php?topic=15578.0

http://www.anausa.org/smf/index.php?topic=13695.0

Some of the posts are a bit scary.  People with life long side effects?  Damn.  I think the toughest thing for me is knowing how different every case can be.  I just don't know what to expect.  It's not like a broken bone where you have x amount of weeks for healing.

Here's the bottom line (typing this out I think helps my validation process):  I plan to live for quite a bit longer.  Due to my younger age, I will eventually probably have to get this surgery done.  The longer I let this tumor grow, the more side effects I could experience (facial numbness, headaches).  After the surgery, I probably have these side effects, but it tends to be USUALLY short term.  If this occurs before the surgery by the tumor, from my understanding these side effects are irreversible.  My doctor seems to think this is the way to go.   This isn't a fun decision to make, but I completely believe I'm making the correct one.

Mixing Things Up a Bit...

As if there has been a 'theme' so far, HA!

Let's talk Hawkeyes!  YES!

I'm actually a little concerned on the recruiting front this year.  I've followed recruiting since around 2002 when the Scout.com's and Rivals.com's got big.  It seems kids commit earlier and earlier every year.  Iowa has only one commit so far, which doesn't concern me all that much.  What concerns me is that some of the players that were seemingly high priorities for the Hawks are committing elsewhere.  Unlike years past, we're not losing them to Notre Dame, Nebby, Texas, Florida...the powerhouses.  We're losing them to Wisconsin, Northwestern, and Missouri.  That combined with arguably our highest recruit from last year (Coe) having to JUCO, I think my concern is legitimate.

That said, Ferentz is a magician.  Sometimes I think he's too conservative...and we may never win a national title - but the man can put together a winning team.  He also seems to win with 'diamonds in the rough' - so my recruiting concern is hopefully a moot point.

Refreshing.

I worked out for the first time in over a month tonight.  I went to the Y...they have stationary bikes there, but they have a screen that show other bikers, trails, and you also have 30 gears at your disposal.  It's not biking outside - but it's the next best thing.

I figured I'd get on there and give it 15 minutes, and then maybe throw around some weights.  I ended up going about 45 minutes, 11.5 miles.  That's a personal best for me on that trail (they have numerous courses) by more than 4 minutes.  I didn't intend to go that hard, sweat that much, pedal as fast...it just happened, and it felt great.  Thankfully the wifey pushed me to go...any waiver and I would happily passed, came home and plopped in front of either the computer or TV.

So while mornings have been rough for fatigue...it appears I can still kick ass at night.  Weight is right around where it was last time I worked out...it would be nice if I could shed about another 8 pounds before the surgery.  I'm thinking about going on a low calorie diet for the 30 days before the surgery...if the Doc says it's cool.

Feeling like dominating right now.

Anger

Too many snooty/conceited comments from the same person/people can originate a fire inside, maybe even moreso when you are supposed to love them, and they are nice to your face.  I shouldn't let these comments anger me as they aren't directed toward me - but it does because I think them ugly people inside.

I broke my headphone because they were on the ground at work, and I rolled over them with my chair.

I just found out another 1000 will be out of a job within my company.  Luckily I'm not affected.


I'm really not a negative person, apparently I just like rant about things that anger me. 

Stay tuned for some positivity.

Morning TV

Since I work an 'off-shift' of 11-8, but still wake up around 8:00 or so, I often lay/sit in front of the TV for a while.  Morning TV is shit.  In the background right now, I have ESPN's First Take on.  They have now cut to commercial three separate times with, "Coming up, we'll talk to future high Draft Pick KYRIE IRVING, and how he actually PREFERS vegimite sandwiches to PB&J!"

I know it might be slow sports day....but c'mon....

I'd watch the news, but I don't really trust most media, and most of the news is negative.  Not a favorite way to start the day.

SO I BLOG!!!

Morning Thought

"

There is a very popular opinion that choosing life is
inherently superior to choosing death. This belief that life is
inherently preferable to death is one of the most widespread
superstitions. This bias constitutes one of the most obstinate
mythologies of the human species.
This prejudice against death, however, is a kind of
xenophobia. Discrimination against death is simply assumed
good and right. Absolutist faith in life is commonly a result
of the unthinking conviction that existence or survival, along
with an irrational fear of death, is “good”. This unreasoned
conviction in the rightness of life over death is like a god or a
mass delusion. Life is the “noble lie”; the common secularreligion of the West.
For the conventional Westerner, the obvious leap of faith
to make here is that one’s “self” and its preservation
constitute the first measure of rationality. Yet if one begins
reasoning with the unquestioned premise that life is good, or
that one’s own life or any life is justified, this is very
different from bringing that premise itself to be questioned
rationally. Anyone who has ever contemplated his or her
own mortality might question the ultimate sanity of the
premise of self-preservation. Even if it is possible to live
forever, moreover, this makes not an iota of difference as to
the question of the value of existence."

---- Mitchell Heisman

On the tumor front...

Not much new.  I was really tired this morning (more than usual), but I also had a hell of a time falling asleep last night.  So it may have had nothing to do with added fatigue.  I wish I would have scheduled the surgery earlier. 

"The waiting, is the hardest part."  --- Tom Petty

Observation

It seems to me that successful people are typically in good shape physically.  There will be exceptions to this rule, of course.  But as I walk the halls of the corporate world, see prominent personalities on TV, look at the U.S. leaders - for the most part these folks look to be physically in shape.

It doesn't have to be that far up the ladder, either.  It seems that people in simple supervisory positions seem to take care of themselves.  Maybe they're not mountain climbers or triathletes, but either they have good/lucky genetics, or they consciously take care of themselves.

What am I getting at?  Well, I don't know.  It seems a high percentage of successful people are in fair to good shape.  So in a corporate setting for example - is it managers that seek out these types of people, creating a cycle, or is there something ingrained in the brains of these folks that make them function better...more efficiently....more....successfully?

I've witnessed an employee (again I have to watch myself here) that was very overweight, change completely and now loves to run, and is in good shape.  When she was overweight, she annoyed me.  Now I find her to be a good - great co-worker.  Did she change, or did my perception change?  Do we automatically negatively judge overweight people without even knowing?  I didn't think I did.  I mean, I do to an extent outside of the workplace if I see pure negligence of one's own obesity, but I never thought on a professional level.

So many questions.  Either way, it wouldn't hurt to lose a few pounds.  Down about 35-40 (depending on the day) from a year ago...but still a ways to go.

In the words of Patrick Bateman, "this confession has meant nothing".

The Bell Avenue Effect

I probably wont talk about my job much because it's just not that exciting, and also a little 'cover your ass' comes into play.  But Wednesdays are the workdays I actually look forward to.

For half a day, I go down to the site at Bell Avenue where I give presentations, answer questions, and really just be a resource for a product they are trying to learn more about and sell.  For that half day, I'm important.  I'm challenged.  I'm treated with respect.  I mingle with upper management about sales strategies in pull-through impact.  For that half of the day I am challenged and kept on my toes.  I get a little nervous sometimes when I have to do these presentations, but it's almost like an adrenaline rush anymore.  I can thank Toastmasters for that.

I do have to return to my cubicle for the 2nd half of the day, but I find myself smiling from my previous interactions...in good spirits and refreshed.  It's fun to feel respected and important.  I hope to try and draw motivation from this to not FEEL this way, but to BE.

And on the trivial side....

I managed to spill spaghetti sauce all over my shirt.  Now I look like a damn goon at work.

Religion and Mortality

Most of my life I've considered myself an atheist.  Religion and me just seemed to be the cliche square peg in a round hole.  One thing that I always validated my atheism is that religion was created because the human mind cannot properly comprehend finality, or mortality.  This isn't/wasn't my only form of validation - there's much more that I don't feel like getting into...

Then I started considering my own mortality.  This has nothing to do with my tumor (it's not life threatening).  This started happening years ago.  With a lack of religion, and belief in the afterlife, death can be a scary prospect.  It keeps me up at nights, fills me with anxiety.  So the thought comes to my head - why NOT embrace religion for my own peace of mind? 


"Ordinary people seem not to realize that those
who really apply themselves in the right way to
philosophy are directly and of their own accord
preparing themselves for dying and death. If this
is true, and they have actually been looking
forward to death all their lives, it would of course
be absurd to be troubled when the thing comes
for which they have so long been preparing and
looking forward."
—SOCRATES, PHAEDO


I have read that quote probably 20 times over the last 48 hours.  Notice it doesn't speak about "religion", it speaks only to 'philosophy'.  However, there's something to be said about religion properly preparing yourself for death.

This is my constant struggle.

Look, I'm a blogger now.

For anyone that stumbles upon this site, please know this is a place of complete and utter random ramblings  If you read these ramblings and want to conversate about them, feel free.  This was and is created for my own personal use.  This is not to sound negative, however I am not here to inspire, nor is there any real "theme" to this.  I'm a thinker.  I reflect.  Constantly.  I am often socially awkward, though my close friends would find this hard to believe.  I believe that I could live as a hermit, only keeping in contact with a few close friends and close family.

I've chosen to start writing my thoughts down.  Incoherent as they may be, I consider them sane.  My weeks are encompassed in monotony.  I work, come home to make dinner, watch TV, and go to sleep.  I feel that it's important for me to exercise my mind a bit more, and to preserve those precious brain cells I've managed retain. 

I found out a couple months ago that I have an acoustic neuroma, which is a benign brain tumor.  I'm having it removed on July 21st.  Brain surgery...fun stuff.  I don't mean to sound dramatic, but I would like to see my written word before this surgery is done, in case my writing skills are diminished to an extent. 

Now I don't want to come off as a negative, misanthrope, if you will.  If you've come across this blog because you have an acoustic neuroma, then I hope you can find a bit of comfort in sharing in my experiences.  However, I'm not going to be 'sunshine and lollipops' all of the time.  Most days I feel very 'warrior-like' in my approach to getting over this tumor.  Other days, however, are shrouded in a bit of fear.  Though I am doing this blog for myself, there is a certain assumption that this will get read on this grand scale of internet dominance. 

Although I am going through the challenges of a tumor removal, this is not all this site will be dedicated to.  Philosophical thoughts, accomplishments, gripes, experiences...anything I feel like I want to write down.

Going back to my tumor (see I'm jumping all over the place), as of right now I consider my side-effects fairly minor.  It's all perspective.  If the things that I have experienced over the last year were sprung on me suddenly, I would probably consider them major.  My hearing in my right ear is almost gone, and I have pretty severe tinnitus in the same ear.  Every once in a while, my balance is a little challenged, but it doesn't happen too often.  I think the most annoying thing I've been experiencing lately is fatigue.  I do small exercises in the morning (crunches and a few pushups) just to get my blood flowing...but even those things are challenging to muster up the energy for sometimes.  I will probably blog a bit later.  This is all I have for now.