I was bored.  I loved the time, I loved the people, but my life had become the lament of an elderly looking back with anguish.  So much time, what do you do with it?  Our lives were *electric* for a couple weeks out of the year, full of cheer, party, and too much to drink.  But when not in the sun in an exotic location and soaked in a booze filled buzz...I got lonely.  I felt empty.  How will this world ever even know my small existence ever...well...existed?  How do I want to be remembered?  WAIT, how will anyone even remember me?
Perhaps the intentions were selfish.  I think we're all guilty of that, at least a little bit.  Do we ever create a human out of pure curiosity or selflessness?  Maybe.  Regardless of the reason, we did it.  We created a tiny person that brings a whole element of happiness and worry to a level that was not known before.  It's a vulnerability that perhaps I wasn't ready for, but am so happy to have. 

Catherine Anne Surber

It's a whole experience that people told me that could never be replicated.  That didn't do it justice.
It's hard to type about her without including cliches such as "apple of my eye", or other such nonsense, but she is the apple of my eye, and all that nonsense.
She's almost 15 months, and it's crazy how time has gone by. 
When she's 15 years I hope I'm still here.
In 15 years I hope she still likes "Daddy".
I hope 15 years doesn't go by too fast.
For the first time in my life, I love now.
Yesterday had good days.
Tomorrow brings magic.
I am content with today.
Finally.

It's amazing how much of a hallucinogenic time can be.  I've heard the term "acid flashback", and I did plenty of acid back in the day, but nothing as vivid as this has ever ocurred.

My in-laws were in for a visit, and with them they brought my nephew and niece.  My nephew, Rowan, is 4 years old now.  Ages can be judged by toys, and Rowan is definitely at "beginner Lego" status.  I'm always happy to oblige, as just the simplest creation I create just blows his mind.  It's really a fun and fascinating age.

*********************

My father had died, and it was determined (correctly) by my mother that her lake house was too much to manage.  Obviously an event as this completely shakes the foundation of any family, and my mother was the strongest.  She realized that she needed to move and took action on it.  Unlike many people in her position, she didn't hoard.  In fact I think it was somewhat of an emotional release...an ending of a chapter for her to get rid of certain items.  I wasn't and still am not ready for the end of some of those chapters.    Dad's clothes left, other seemingly trivial items came and went...I was falling apart at the seams but I had to support my mother.  I know it to not be true at this date, but at the time she seemed so empowered and in control...I absolutely had to support most of it.

​​But don't fuck with my LEGO's. 

Years pile up, but some memories remain fresh.  At this point, I can't tell you how old I was.  I'd estimate 6 years old, just to put a finger on a range.  I know we were living in What Cheer at the time, so I know I could't have been any older than 2nd grade.  ANYWAY, as you can imagine, Christmas was nothing short of magical back then.  Whether we did or not believe in Santa (I remember being a skeptic at a very young age), it didn't matter.  The joy of presents and seeing my beloved extended family were enough for me to be jumping out of my fucking skin.  

I don't remember many of the presents, but we got some sort of Kinnects set.  I have no idea if that's the spelling, but it was basically generic Lego blocks that didn't go together.  We didn't live in poverty, but from my understanding back then we were living paycheck to paycheck.  Even at a young age, I think I had some sort of way recognizing that.  Maybe not...I don't know.  I just remember getting these generic Lego looking blocks, and then trying to put them together.  These blocks were so damn cheap you couldn't put a 2x4 piece together with another 2x4 piece.  But I remember trying to hide it a bit because I didn't want my dad to feel bad.  

It didn't work.

 I'll never forget my Dad's tempermant.  He apologized over and over about the shoddy work.  "Sorry, we will go get Lego's tomorrow".  I felt bad for how bad he apparently felt.  He looked so disappointed.  But sure enough, he returned the next day with a fucking BRIEFCASE of Legos.  This wasn't the metropolis of Oskalooa...you didn't just go "out" and buy Legos.  It was a goddamn *journey*.  Nonetheless, he returned with Legos and I was amazed.  Mezmorized.  SO MANY FUCKING LEGOS!!!

*********************

This entire scenerio...memory, was completely relived by me.  All it took was a prolonged look at my Lego case.  

I leaned over and kissed the case. I really didn't know why but then realized it was what I had done approximately 29 years earlier when receiving it.  Through my lips and to my brain this entire previous scene played out as if it were another person's life, almost like a play.  It was all so damn beautiful I knew right then and there I had to put it in print otherwise it could be lost forever.  Memories are such a precious thing.  

Thank you for letting me take some of your time, and Happy Thanksgiving.  :)

Grandma

As I look through my 6 year old eyes...

I remember a place...a place of tranquility...

A place of growth and simple questions being answered...

There are...There is a lush green grass in a giant yard.  The grass is well kept, but it doesn't quite keep the dandelions from growing.

To the north - well I never really considered the direction until now - to the BACK of the yard...were the beautiful "WOODS".

The "Woods" was/were a seemingly enchanted forest complete with a large stream called a creek and a perfectly laid path from old train tracks that were no longer there.

The giant old oak tree in the back yard had a tire swing, and oh, the tire swing....it was such a source of many childhood memories.  I can simply just look back to the tire swing and get a little caught up in the moment...
I see the old oak tree and the tire swing.  It's there, beautiful, and part of a time and place before of sue-happy parents.

If you went about 100 yards into the "Woods", you would see a pole with a concrete base.  This, in our ever inquiring and developed minds, had to be the work of UFO's.  In retrospect, it was simply a metal pole that was anchored down with concrete, pulled out of the ground. However, our overactive creativity had full reign.

I remember Paul Harvey.  I remember the hamburger, carrots, and various other vegetables wrapped in aluminum foil and being blown away by the ending "feast".I remember....so much...I can see it, in my 6 year old eyes.

The garage doubled as a furniture upholstery business - a fledgling one at that.  Childhood is not privy to such details - and even if it was, forts and exploring were more important.

I ran through the yard.  I explored the Woods.  I lived this.  I can see everything in my mind right now. It hurts...in some ways because I feel like it's a chapter with an end, and I hate finality.

I picked Dandelions for my Grandma thinking they were beautiful flowers.  She never let me know they were weeds.  I brought them inside and she was always so impressed and had a vase ready for me.  I could've been a grown man and she would've never told me that this was an inappropriate gift.


The doctor looked at my Grandma's charts and told us that she has a an irregularly large heart.

We know.  And we love her for it.

Remembering

...and to my 0 readers, I shall now speak (as you've all been waiting for) about these last 10 months.

As always no bullshit from me.  Encouragement...always.

After my surgery, there was somewhat of a post-surgery "bliss".  You've survived.  Everyone is offering you encouragement.  Your failures are overlooked and achievements are put on a pedestal.  Whether you have 1 person routing you on, or 10...you just want to kick ass for them.

As things must go, people move forward with their life.  Which is good.  Really good!  

But people forget.  It's just the way it goes.  I remember numerous of big procedures that family and friends went through.  I forgot.  It's just what we do.  Already people were forgetting that I had balance issues.  Forgetting that I was now deaf in my right ear.  I started getting and am even more socially awkward.  The thing that really, really gets under my skin is when people get annoyed because they can't hear me (it's 3x as annoying for me!) or when people repeat things really slow like I'm an idiot.

I also have shitty balance.  I fell in July and fractured a bone and sprained my wrist.  Was discouraging and started to feel like everything was against me.

However, all this being said, there are certainly positive things.  

I've taken a better, much better paying job.  I've done well at it, so the future looks good.  Outside of the (non) tumor and high blood pressure, my health is good.  AND?

IT.

COULD.

BE. 

WORSE.

Seriously.

Whenever I feel sorry to myself, I see/hear shit that makes my issues (non issues) seem so trivial.

People are here.

I'm going to leave this blog.

:)

16 Months Later

I've neglected this.

Some of it has been intentional, other circumstances were out of my control.

My laptop was out of commission for over 7 months, and I didn't feel like typing anything mundane that would come from my phone.

I just decided to stop typing.  I don't know why.  It stopped being therapeutic, I guess.  However I never play by yesterday, so I felt compelled to update, and may update after.  Or maybe not.

My year follow-up was delayed by scheduling conflicts between myself and my doctor.  Therefore it was finally conducted today.  The result?  I feel fortunate.  So far.

The brain MRI is still lighting up a small dot in the problem area.  When my tumor was removed, they put some sort of material in to fill the absence.  They don't know if it's just something from that lighting up, or if it's something tumor-like that's causing it to light up.  The Doctor doesn't seem concerned, and tells me this is pretty common.  I have to follow up in a year, but will follow his lead of not being concerned.

To my surprise I now find that my blood pressure is way high.  160 over 80 or some shit?  Crazy.  I probably should get that in check...

Six Months to the Day.

Here is a post I've been looking forward to.

This is a post I really wanted to relate to.

This is a landmark I wanted to call out.

In reality, my six month 'anniversary' is nothing.  It's just another day in my world.

That's not supposed to sound depressing.  All I really wanted is to get back into my world.  To have my world at the very least.

There are positives and negatives.  The positives are great - I mean, I am still living, full of love, and won't stop ticking!!!

Now...realistically.  I want people to know the truth.  Anyone that's considering this surgery...I want them to know what an average fella like myself feels.

Pick the brain of your doctor.  Don't ever feel like you're asking "too much".  Keep going.  Ask more.  If you go through with this surgery, they will get paid very well,.

Embrace science.  If your path involves surgery or not, realize that science has gotten to the point that most of us (including myself) can't comprehend.

If you can, find a great support system.  I am lucky in the fact that I'm very close with my family.  I do understand that there are folks with no one to talk to.  I'll give my number up all day long...but it will at least take a private message!

Your first 24 hours is going to suck.  You will be all pukey from hours of the 'good stuff', and you'll have plenty of other shit that will keep you on the fringe of the living and dead.  Just always remember in your most miserable times that things will get better.

...And they will.  Remember to focus on your progress.  You will be challenged.  You will conquer.  You will love it.  I'll get to my own weird circumstances later.

Into the Groove.

I'm back at work full time. 

I'm back to counting calories via fitday.com (very handy).  I've gained about 8-10 pounds since my surgery - a product of being sedentery and not eating well.  Working out still zaps me, so I'm resorting to really watching my food intake.